The Path to Half

Today has been a sick day; a day full of lounging around, coughing, sleeping, drinking lots of fluids, not eating, watching TV, and playing on the internet. I am feeling mildly better (thanks for asking!), but for all of my non-productivity, I am proud of myself for quite a few things today:

1. I’m down another pound after a decent week of eating and working out. This means I am back down to my 40 lbs. lost mark! Woo Hoo!

2. I have had zero soda today. This is day 1 that I’ve been able to do that since weaning myself off! Smack me if you see a soda in my hand… I give you full permission!

3. I signed up for a race!

Reason 3 is a big one! I wanted to complete at least one 5k a month this year and, needless to say, that hasn’t happened. I have done two this year, with my best time being 48 minutes. For those of you that don’t run 5k’s, 48 minutes is not awesome. In fact, it’s quite terrible, but it was better than an awful lot of people who chose to sleep in on that particular Sunday morning instead of lacing up their shoes and pounding the pavement like I did. :-) Sorry, I know that’s cocky, but it makes me feel happy for putting out the effort instead of feeling sorry for myself for having a cruddy time, but I digress. 

While I was cruising around on Facebook, I noticed an old friend of mine from Michigan has signed up for a race in Orlando in 4-ish weeks. She moved down here a couple of years after I did, but we have yet to see each other (which is just pure silliness, by the way). We both went to UCF for graduate school, though we attended at different times, and the whole purpose of this race is to run for the school you “sweat” for when it comes to college football (Sorry, LSSU, while I bleed blue and yellow, there is no Laker football team, so I had to go with the Knights on this one). While I’m excited to see Candice again, I must admit that I was awfully nervous to see her at a race since I know she runs more often than I do and has run more races more recently than I have. This is going to sound crazy and mean, but when she told me that she is “a slow runner” and that she averages around a 40 minute 5k, all of that apprehension went right out the window!

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want her to run slowly, I want her to enjoy running no matter her speed, but to know that a runner I look up to is only marginally faster than I am makes me hate myself as a runner less. I love knowing that, with some hard work and dedication, I can reach the level of someone who inspires me so much. This may not make much sense to most of you, but look at it this way: I’ve always enjoyed dance, but I know I will never be an Ashley Teat or Laura Smithson no matter how many hours I put in at a studio or how much I practice. I do not have the talent or body make-up that they do. However, I know that I can run. I’ve run a 5k in 29.50 before (granted, I was 16) and I know that I’ll get back there if I work hard enough. 

Will I complete a triathalon, or run a marathon one day? I’m not sure, and I’m sure as hell not stocking up on Ironman memorabilia in the hopes that it’ll ever happen, but 3.1 miles? That’s a mountain I’m willing to conquer; it’s a goal that I know I will reach because I have people who are inspiring, hard-working, and real to look up to. 

I cannot wait to sweat black and gold, and I so look forward to the races to come this year! 

A facebook friend of mine posted a blog her friend had done listing the 101 motivations she has for losing weight. I read through the list and actually got a little angry at myself for thinking some of her reasons were superficial or dumb (because, come on! They’re HER motivations, not mine!), so I decided to challenge myself to find 101 reasons I’m doing the Path to Half. Unfortunately, I couldn’t think of 101 reasons, but here are the 50 Reasons for my Journey.

1. To show that I can lose weight without gaining it back.

2. To buy a bra at Victoria’s Secret. 

3. To feel sexy in front of my husband.

4. To wear jeans in the single digits.

5. To not have to stop when playing “Tag” with my students because I’m out of breath.

6. To get back into running a whole 5k without stopping.

7. To run a 10k.

8. To run a half marathon.

9. To run a marathon!

10. To not feel like I don’t deserve to become a Zumba Instructor because I’m fat.

11. Because my students deserve to have good choices modeled to them!

12. To fix my relationship with food.

13. To learn to enjoy cooking more than I enjoy eating out.

14. Because I have a strong feeling that me being fat has a direct correlation on me not being a mother yet.

15. Because I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired! (Cliche’, but true!)

16. I’m sick of people being surprised or impressed that I can do something (Zumba, BodyPump, races, etc.) because I’m the fat girl.

17. I want to have stretchmarks from being pregnant, not from being fat.

18. To not have everyone look at me funny when I step on an elevator.

19. Because Sarah deserves to see what it means to love yourself from EVERYONE surrounding her.

20. Because I owe it to those who have inspired and motivated me to be an inspiration and motivator. 

21. Because I never want to be back in that hospital waiting room, wondering if my father-in-law is going to make it. (hint, hint!)

22. Because I never want to be back in that hospital waiting room, wondering if my husband is going to make it. (hint, hint!)

23. Because I want my favorite brother to stop smoking, once and for all (hint, hint), and get healthy too.

24. To finally learn that it’s not about getting skinny, it’s about getting healthy.

25. To know what it’s like to be closer to 200lbs., than 300lbs.

26. Because I know it’ll feel damn good to see 199.

27. Because I want a party when I lose 100 lbs!

28. To never fear the scale again.

29. To have family pictures done and not be afraid of ruining them.

30. To go hiking around Mackinaw Island without complaining.

31. To believe that I am pretty.

32. To put my nutritional knowledge to use, instead of just telling everyone else what they should do.

33. To earn my free membership to the gym.

34. To lift like the boys.

35. To inspire someone else to get healthy.

36. To learn to let go of the emotional baggage.

37. To look the way I should have looked on my wedding day when I renew my vows.

38. Because people told me I was fat when I was younger and I wasn’t, so they sure as hell don’t have the right to be able to call me fat ever again!

40. To find balance.

41. To dance with Ryley on his wedding day.

42. To watch Sarah make Jenny a grandmother. 

43. To be around when Sarah becomes a grandmother.

44. To not worry about tipping the canoe when I get it.

45. To go canoeing again!

46. To feel normal.

47. To know that my body is working the way it should.

48. Because I think clavicles, wrist bones, and ankles are sexy.

49. Because I deserve to feel confident.

50. Because I set the goal, and it’s time I actually followed through on my commitment.

Let me paint you a picture of what I currently look like: I am sitting on the couch, stuffing pizza and cheesy bread into my face, while drinking a giant tervis tumbler of diet pepsi. My hair is thrown up into a ponytail and I’m wearing jeans that have grease crayon wax all over them (long story, but the moral is that I need to check my husband’s pants pockets a bit more thoroughly before throwing them in the wash). It’s been almost a week since I last worked out, and I haven’t tracked my food all day. I weighed myself this morning and I’m still up 3 lbs. from the time I weighed myself only to discover that I had reached the 40 lbs. loss mark.

Someone on facebook just reminded me how much of an inspiration I am, and I couldn’t help but chuckle.

The funny thing is this: I don’t see myself as a failure. I haven’t fallen off the wagon or decided that I’m not worth it. If anything, I’m practicing what it will be like when, after I’ve reached my goal weight, I have a really rough day and I have no energy to cook for myself, do my hair, or wear any type of acceptable footwear.

The truth of the matter is that weight loss, or getting healthy, or whatever the hell you want to call the journey I’ve embarked upon, is not one that is ever going to end. No matter how much weight I lose or how much muscle I build, there will always be that fight to keep the weight off and not allow myself to skyrocket back up to 300lbs. I know I will never fully conquer that little voice in my head that tells me that I’ll never be a “Success Story.”

But here’s what I do know:

1. That voice that tells me how worthless, fat, ugly, and terrible I am is nothing more than a dirty fucking liar! (excuse the cuss)

My pastor likes to remind us that we would never remain friends with anyone that would talk to us the way we talk to ourselves sometimes, and he’s right. What gets me about the little voice of self-doubt and self-loathing is that there’s always a little bit of truth to what it’s saying. I sincerely do not believe that I’ll ever lose the weight I want to lose. I believe that I will die young, childless and unhealthy. Fortunately, it doesn’t matter what I believe, it matters what I’m willing to do despite my beliefs. I’m willing to squat until my legs give out, and I’m willing to dance to the point that my feet are bleeding; I will sweat, and lift, and run until my hands, legs, and lungs burn. I am willing to ignore the voice that says “You’ll never do it!” in order to show myself that I can.

2. I care way too much about what other people think and do.

As a teacher I spend a lot of my time redirecting young children, especially when it comes to tattling or name-calling. “Why do you care what they think or say?” I ask my three year olds. “Is what they say about you who you really are?” The answer is usually a confident, “No!” from the victim-turned empowered youth, in spite of whether or not the child they were tattling on was actually doing something they shouldn’t have or if the label of “crybaby” may have been fitting for the intended target. 

The sad truth is that we all care how others see us, because it helps shape how we see our selves. When I get in a fight with my husband or I have a hard time meeting a deadline at work, I feel worthless because I cannot satisfy the social norms that are inherent in my titles of “wife” and “employee.” But oh, when I get a facebook comment that says that I’m “inspiring” or that people are proud of me! The endorphins start flowing! 

I don’t see myself as an inspiration, because I have so many amazing inspirations in my life that I couldn’t possibly imagine holding a candle to their talent and drive, but let me tell you, those little comments have saved be from diving off of the deep end; Silly little wall posts telling me that me posting about Zumba got someone else to try it, or talking about how they went to the gym because I had written about losing another pound, those are the things that get me to put on a pair of shorts on days that I hate my legs, and put on my shoes when I’m having a boatload of sensory issues, and make me take a spot at the front of the class when all I want to do is sink into the back row or, better yet, drive my butt back home and take a nap!

And this truth brings me to the most important truth of them all,

Surround yourself with people who will help you be successful!

Join a community or a forum, start a running club, post boring, borderline annoying Facebook or Twitter posts about what you’re doing to improve your life, then wait to see who the people are who “like” your post (or whatever the equivalent is in Twitter-world… sorry, I’m behind the times) or who comment on your posts, and keep those people around. And I’m not just talking about the ones who build you up. Keep the people that knock you down (whether intentional or not) close too. One of my biggest motivators is an old friend, whom I know means well, but who can make comments that will cut me down to size and make me feel like utter crap! It never fails; she will comment, I will become minutely depressed, then I become invincible! That is not to discount all of the kind, “build you up” comments people will give, because, trust me, there will be days that you will need those just to get yourself out of bed, but don’t throw away the negativities and criticisms… USE THEM!

Last, but definitely not least…

3. You get fit in the gym, but you lose weight in the kitchen.

I am terribly guilty of the next piece of advice I’m about to give, but it bears being repeated again and again and again: Stop trying to negate the calories from terrible food choices by killing yourself in the gym! I am a huge advocate of leaving everything you have at the gym when you work out, but eating a bag of donuts, then working off all of the calories does not do your body any favors, whereas eating double the calories of whole foods and not working out at least gives your body the nutrients it needs. 

I run into the problem that I eat for reasons other than hunger, but even more than that, I eat cruddy stuff whether I’m hungry or not. I know what I should be eating, but I tend not to care until after I’ve gorged myself. This needs to change.

Being a teacher in early childhood education we have a saying that you should “set all children up for success,” and this sentiment is true for adults and in life in general, but you have to know what success is before you can ensure it for yourself. If you measure success by how much weight you lose or the size of your clothes, you will most likely fail time and time again, but if success is measured in how you feel and in the fact that you make more positive changes in life than negative changes, and you accept that you will make mistakes, success is inevitable.

It is a very rare occasion that I ever get funny looks at my gym. Call me lucky for picking a relatively jerk-free workout environment, but it’s only once in a blue moon that the wannabe MMA guy chuckles at me as I walk passed him on my way to work out. Even then, when I do get laughed at, I generally let it slide off because wannabe MMA guys are just sad.*

That being said, I couldn’t care less what people think of me. Not at the gym and not in “the real world.” I’ve reach a point in this lovely little journey where I’ve decided that I’m getting pretty comfortable in my own skin and that I’m starting to feel sexy. I’m sure that to most I don’t look sexy, but darn it if I don’t feel down right hot in a tank top and pair of jeans! 

I blame a lot of this on Zumba, but even more of it on the fact that I have definition in my wrists, ankles, and collar bones. This is probably something that people who have never been fat cannot relate to, but there’s something about seeing a clavical, or a rib, or that little pokey outty bone on your ankle (I promise that I used to know the name it) that makes you feel like progress is being made! There’s something about slipping into a tank top or pair of shorts and not seeing lumps that makes you feel amazing!

As for the actual progress I may be making, well, I’m unsure of that. I’m pretty sure I’m holding steady at 40 lbs. lost, but I haven’t been weighing or measuring. I’ve also been eating like crap, missing workouts, not tracking my food, nor writing on here. Whoops! I guess I was working on my head a bit and that took more energy than I had to sustain everything else. However, now that I have my head a bit more under control, I hope to get back to everything else. Keep on me, friends!

*Please keep in mind that I am talking about the boys that walk around in MMA style shirts and jump from machine to machine, never really working out, and grabbing the heaviest weights their little muscles can handle, just to attract the girls in booty shorts who are trying not to work up an actual sweat on the ellipticals. I have a lot of respect for anyone, MMA guy, booty short wearing girl, or whomever, who is actually out there trying to make a positive change in themselves. 

Ah! How true!

(via resa-bella)

reasonstobefit:

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Sometimes change is needed in life. It is when we stop changing, stop evolving, that we die. Maybe not physically, but intellectually, emotionally. Everything that makes us human perishes when we become content with whom we have become and decide that a life of a static existence is somehow better than the winding, twisting, adventure that life should be. 

I may have only gotten a new haircut and the first new style I’ve had in over 5 years, but there’s something liberating about change. Something as simple as changing a hairstyle can lead to a change in everything from a change in my diet, my workout plan, my priorities… the possibilities are endless!

It may seem as though I’m overreacting to something so trivial as snipping a few hairs, but have you ever felt like a different person after a haircut, or new clothes, or even putting on some make-up? It’s amazing how little, seemingly inconsequential changes, can make you feel like you have the ability to change anything you want to about your life!

I choose to change everything (within reason)! :-) 

April 6, 2012… still down 38.8lbs, but holding steady. Not complaining.

Starting Weight: 298.0 lbs.

Last Week’s Weight: 262.0 lbs.

Current Weight: 259.2 lbs.

Weekly Change: -2.8 lbs.

Total Change: -38.8 lbs.

Measurements:

Bust: 50 inches (-1.0 inches) 

 Chest: 41.0 inches (-0.5 inches) 

 Waist: 44.5 inches (-0.0 inches)

Hips: 47.5 inches (-2.0 inches) 

Thighs: L-25.5 inches (-1.0 inches) R-26 inches (-1.0 inches) 

Calves: L-18.5 inches (no change) R-19 inches (no change) 

Upper arm: L-16.0 inches (-0.5 inches) R-15 inches ( no change) 

Forearm: L-11.0 inches (-0.5 inches) R-12 inches ( no change) 

Total inches lost this week: -6.5 inches

I’ve lost 13.75 inches off of my body as a whole since I started measuring.

I know that I said that doing a weekly weigh-in may help me with motivation, but it really hasn’t. In fact, I’ve found that weighing in at all is a motivation killer, so I’m going to suspend weigh-ins for a bit and just go with measurements. Not sure if I’ll still do weekly ones; maybe every two weeks or once a month. Maybe this is a sign that I’m in it for the long haul, since every other time that I swore I would lose the weight I used the weight as my measure of success, and now I’m just happy to look and feel better. We’ll see.

reasonstobefit:

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